Decision making, distraction & Reflections on Self-Delusion

I’ve been hoping that I would arrive at the time in life when decision making became straight forward. I’ve always assumed that there was a magical age at which the answers became clear.

I’m devastated to realise this seems increasingly unlikely. I’m grappling with the knowledge that in actual fact, no one knows what they are doing with any more certainty than the rest. I’m unsure if this is comforting or disappointing.

Of course there are some who appear to know. Those who subscribe to decision-making frameworks. There are others who swear by their intuition, or their gut feeling. I once undertook a six month course dedicated to a decision-making theory called ‘holistic management.’

And yet I continue to largely not know.

I tend to make decisions on a whim. It’s as though I must beat my brain to complete the process before my over thinking tries to interfere. Hurry!, I say to myself.

I’m not fond of changing decisions either. I enjoy the grounding nature of making a plan and then sticking to it, against all odds. This is a mentality that has served my relatively well so far.

I maintain that the only regret I have in life is buying a combined washer dryer early last year.

I like to think I live in the present with a commitment to the pleasure of meeting every day as it arrives. Is this a cop out perhaps? Maybe.

The continual upheaval of plans and feelings this past few months has both reinforced and unstuck my commitment to the now.

I feel at once like I want to nail everything down around me and yet also untie each and every foundation that holds me in place.

I read a lot lately. I’m not sure whether I’m looking for something to know or just happy to find somewhere to hide for a little while.